I just keep searching for words in Tumblr now. I’m not the best at expressing myself with words, so every time i find a post that elucidates my feelings perfectly, it’s like a relief in some sense.

I don’t really get what I’m feeling right now. My heart doesn’t ache anymore, a part of it is already on its way to being nonchalant. The other part is still grasping on to whatever is left. I don’t really know what I want right now. It’s like a feeling of losing. Am i acting like that because if I hold on, I’ll win?

But i know i won’t. I know that no matter whether I choose to hold on or let go, I’ll still get hurt.. even more than I already am. If i hold on, if i let myself continue falling for him, nothing good is going to come out of this. And if i let go, if i can get all these feelings and thoughts out of my mind and my heart, get this longing out of my system, I’ll be better soon.

It’s scary. This feeling that you won’t find someone. That you won’t have anyone. It’s really scary. I don’t want to be alone. Would i rather have anyone, then? I don’t know. Tough question.

There are times when his bad points smacks me in my face, staring me down, willing me to acknowledge them.. i just push them to the back of my mind. Stop putting him on a pedestal.

I want him to be thinking of me.

I want him to be missing me.

I want him to be wanting me.

I just don’t want to seem like I’m the only one hurt.

Love isn’t a war, right? Please stop making it one. But all these feelings and thoughts, they come naturally, they are in my nature.. i wish i wasn’t wired this way. I wish i could easily just flip a switch and change.

(via loveyourchaos)